Eric Bogosian
An Armenian in the Thai Jungle
October 23, 1997.
Greetings from Kanchanaburi, Thailand! I'm here acting in the HBO version of Neil Sheehan's Vietnam-war biography of John Paul Vann, "A Bright Shining Lie", starring Bill Paxton and directed by Terry George.
Yesterday it was 115 degrees on set and I've had the flu, so it's been fun. I'd actually been sick for a few days, but hadn't bothered to see the nurse. Reached the end of my rope when I was awoken at 4:30 AM by the monks in the temple across the river banging gongs and chanting. Drenched in sweat, watching the lizards climbing my bedroom wall in the dawn's early light, feeling like Martin Sheen in "Apocalypse Now", I finally broke down and sought medical help. By midday I was speeding on Actifed and orange juice and whatever remained of the night's torture session. In the last twenty-four hours I have consumed echinacea, raw garlic, "e-mergen-C", advil, alka-seltzer cold plus, amoxicillin, actifed, more vitamin C, very hot spicy soup filled with unidentifiable marine life, malaria pills and tylenol. I was sweating so much on set, I drank about two gallons of water and never peed once in twelve hours.
So now I'm sitting in my underwear, flicking bugs off my laptop screen and slapping blood-thirsty malarial mosquitoes as I write this. I want to write a new "meditation" because people have been writing to me and those e-mails have been finding their way down to this location. Reading e-mails are the best thing when you think you're dying in a foreign country. I appreciate the information about performances, ideas, criticisms and kudos. Thank you all for sending them in. (Some folks write in requesting "just an hour of your time" - I wish I had an hour of my time.)
Two queries have come to me via the net that might have general interest:
How should we perform subUrbia?
For the record, if you are producing this play, my hopes for the end result are simple. Make a theatrical event that uses you up and satisfies you, that allows you to express or vent some feelings. I have no preconceived notion of how this play should be staged. The play is a blueprint. It should in some way speak to the players and they must find the voice.
I've seen a number of great productions, especially the rambunctious premiere version, staged by Robert Falls, and they have had very different styles. Some have taken the play very seriously, virtually to the level of Chekhov, others have gone the other way, playing it almost as farce. One was presented very flatly and speedily, another loud and bluntly. There were some that didn't work for me. But not because of the style, more because of the unintelligence.
The play has one major stumbling block for young players - vast amounts of monologue and dialogue. The play needs alot of rehearsal in order to get past the words and into the action. Do not take this stuff lightly or the play will come off as wooden and boring.
Aren't you a hypocrite?
I got a note awhile back from someone who wondered how I walked the line regarding my supposed anti-Hollywood feelings versus all the stuff I do there. Since I am currently working for HBO, this is a good time to explain this.
I work infrequently. If I were offered more work I found challenging/exciting/fun, I'd work more. In other words, if Hollywood weren't a steamy swamp of mannered venal stupidity I would join in heartily. But it is what it is and so I do the stuff that makes sense to me. In fact, very often I want to do certain roles but I don't get the part. To be sure, I turn work down and I definitely pass on "going in" or "meeting" on projects that are dumb or vacuous or mean.
But I am not on a crusade here. I liked the role in "Under Siege II", and my time was fairly open, so I did it. I wasn't playing Gandhi, I was playing a bad guy in a Seagal flick. Why? Because I had wanted to play a broad "bad guy" and I thought this one was cool. One of my most exciting lifetime moments was the first time I saw myself on the big screen blowing shit up in that film.
I watch movies and TV, so they hold a certain gravitational pull for me. And indeed, in some respects I am a whore. But I'm a whore who chooses his clients. Like most actors I know, I believe in the projects I work on, hoping for the best, which is simply that I am making something I would want to see myself.
I may be dreaming, but I think I have established a situation for myself and my work in which I can take or leave the TV or film work. My fear is that it could be an addiction and I could become warped in my desire for more money, more attention, more power. Like any very pleasant thing, you get a taste, you want more. And with every addiction, there is a flip side. The tide reverses, the money slows, the attention turns away and like Iggy says "I want more," and am willing to do anything to get it. That's when whoring gets ugly.
Fortunately for me, my virtual reality, my life in film and television, is not my only reality. I exist in dimensions outside "Hollywood." I write plays. I make my solos. I tour. I write a magazine article now and then. These are my priorities. To be sure, like most Americans, I'll never get rich outside the corporate culture. In fact, my viability in all arenas is impacted by my exposure in the mass media.
But I honestly don't seek it. For whatever reasons, this work has come to me. And when it has, I respect it and try to make work I can stand by, whether it be a cameo in a Woody Allen film or writing a TV pilot for Steven Spielberg. Of course I get a big kick from this work. But I work under the delusion that with or without it, my life is for the most part, the same.
I crashed after "Talk Radio." I thought I was going to become a big movie star. I didn't. But I also came away with a new understanding about how the mass media works. It can be about the grandiosity of my shallow and petty ego. It can be about money. It can be about being an asshole. But it can also be about making something. And what I realized after "Talk Radio" was that I had had a tremendous experience with Oliver Stone and the cast and crew. And we had made something endurable. Something I liked. And that that was the thing to pursue, to be able to keep doing that.
"To keep doing that" means only when I have to the opportunity to. What made my play interesting to Ed Pressman and Oliver was completely outside my control. Making something like that happen again would be like trying to make lightning strike twice in the same spot.
Because film and TV carry potential for vast profits, the whole enterprise is skewed. And intentions, including my own, are always suspect. I always suspect my reasons for doing a film or TV project. I have to think it through many times. I never have to do that with a theater project because without the vast venal and ego temptations, I make my choices based on enthusiasm only.
So why am I in Thailand? Because I believe that Daniel Ellsberg, the man I am portraying in the film, is a great hero of the American people, a man who almost single-handedly and very courageously brought an end to the Vietnam War by releasing secret government documents knows as "The Pentagon Papers" to the New York Times and the Washington Post. Because our director, Terry George, wrote one of the most stirring films of the last decade ("In the Name of the Father") and debuted with an equally strong film as a director ("Some Mother's Son"). Because I think Bill Paxton is an amazing actor particularly in "One False Move." Because Donal Logue is on this picture. Because it's Thailand. And most importantly, because the role is very difficult.
To act in a film is a very "rock and roll" experience for me. Like touring, it always comes with a number of surprises. It is very physical. It requires working closely with other people. It gets me out and up and on my feet. It makes me do things I'm not always good at. I need this in my life.
Writing, on the other hand, is about challenging myself in a very personal and cerebral realm. I state things, construct things and I am appraised for my honesty or my imagination. Performing/acting exposes me in a completely different way. It seems to have to do with courage. A willingness to jump in with both feet. It has to do with trusting my intuition and performing under intense pressure. It also has to do with putting "Eric" out there in an uncontrolled way. No matter how much make-up I put on, it's still me you're looking at. This is humbling in its own way. It requires a certain centering, otherwise what you see is bullshit.
One last word regarding hypocrisy. I write all this stuff like I'm absolutely sure about what I'm saying. But I change my mind constantly. I try to weigh what I write before I write it, but I'm bound to be a little slippery. I suppose the safe move is to create a "public persona" and hide behind it. Take some safe positions, never vary. Just wear black all the time and become a kind of "brand." But I don't know how. Is it insane to think I can write an honest opinion here? Or does it just reveal what a simple-minded fool I am, just for attempting?
I am not marketing myself. I couldn't care less. Or to quote Lenny Bruce when he was asked about selling-out, he replied "I wish I could".
From Thailand, signing off...
